It sucks because you guys are so cool

Saw this post at Girl Wonder and thought I’d give it a shot. Basically, write about how freakishly that art (imagine below) devalues the values of superheroes… or something like that. Inspired by the “Misfit Reads Your Mail” category, I thought I would do something similar; just hope that I’m doing it right.

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WendySkeleton reads your mail! That’s right, Misfit, I read the mail too! Just don’t ask me how I do it. It’s not like I’m Oracle, hacking into your inbox or anything. Yeesh. Don’t get angry now; I’m not stealing your thunder or anything. Ms. Healey over there (yes, hello! *waves*) said I could do it. Anyway, onto our first letter:

Dear WendySkeleton,
I’m a little concerned about how I’m portrayed in this piece of art by the penciller. As usual, I seem to be on steroids, when I’m not. I mean, I do workout but it’s not like I workout to the point where I’m on drugs. I do have a reputation to uphold for the kids, you know. And I’m concerned about my left elbow there; it is pretty close to Wonder Woman’s… bottom. Is this a bad case of spatial relations, or does the artist like to portray me as pervert?

Yours Sincerely,
Superpervert?

Dear Superpervet?,
I know; sometimes I wonder why an artist that draws that horribly gets to draw for one of the best teams on planet which you’re rostered for. Strangely enough, said artist did increase your cousin’s popularity when her stories were selling horribly which is one of the greatest comic mysteries in my book. Having said that, the artist is a bad artist, and yes, he does have a bad case of spatial relations and I totally know that you’re not a pervert because you’re my hero. I mean, will somebody pleeeeeeeaaase think of the children!

Dear WendySkeleton,
I have breasts in the picture! Help!

From,
The Bat That Got Too Muscular

Dear The Bat That Got Too Muscular,
I know! When I first saw that picture, I had a hard time telling if you had breasts as well, but taking a closer look, that so-called “breast” is just really your bicep muscle! What I’m more concerned about is how your forearm could be thicker than the width of your head. I mean, it’s like you couldn’t even touch your shoulders with your hands with those muscles! PHWOARRR! Most of time, I would go, “That’s hardcore!” but I sure know this ain’t hardcore. Because I know hardcore is me having eight hours of free time in a day, while putting off a hundred unread items in the RSS reader.

Dear WendySkeleton,
Recently, I was portrayed as someone of European decent, when clearly I come from M’Changa, a country that is supposed to resemble Africa. I don’t understand why that happened; I myself know that I certainly am African, yet my “favourite” artist decided to draw me with a sharp thin nose. I was also coloured as white or slightly tanned when I have been shown in the past to have darker skin. I was pretty mad at how I was drawn, though I could get over the colouring issue. Surely, it was a mistake and was really the printer’s fault, though it happened for a second time and I’m not so sure that it’s a mistake anymore. It’s obvious that someone likes bleaching me, and it seems as if the editor(s) has fish guts for brains because he/she/they can’t seem to send it back to the colourist to fix it!

From,
Michael “Vixen” Jackson

Dear Michael “Vixen” Jackson,
I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. It’s like people treating me as if I don’t know a single word of English when it is clearly my first language. I’m not sure where the artist gets off being one of the most popular artists when he clearly is not professional. Popular does not equal professional! It’s kind of Britney Spears and her stupid albums – NOBODY LOVES YOU! While I am disgusted that this has been allowed to happen a second time for you, it’s sad that many other characters who are black have suddenly gone to a sun-whitening salon for some reason. I thought it was just like those celebrity fads, like Kabbalah, but it clearly isn’t. Racism does sadly exist in the comics industry, and your “favourite” artist certainly isn’t doing anything to make it better.

Dear WendySkeleton,
I recently saw a piece of art for me and my friends, Black Lightning and Vixen, and we have been thrown into the background for some reason. I do realise that Superman and Wonder Woman are two of DC’s staple characters, but why does it mean we have to be stuck at the back? I refuse to go to one of those sun-whitening salons so my appearances on cover art may improve because I am black and I am proud of who I am. I am highly respected in the JLA, so it’s obvious that my colleagues aren’t racist. However, I want to ask why the artist thinks differently.

Yours Sincerely,
John Stewart

I know; what’s the deal-io with that? If I were driving a car, I’d let you sit on my lap! That’s how much I love you guys! This is much like addressing Vixen’s letter from above; unfortunately, there is racism in the comics industry. And it sucks so very muchly (I know, there’s no such word), though I am glad that people do notice the racism in comics and are calling it out.

Dear WendySkeleton,
Coming from an Amazonian society, my sisters respect each other, as equals. When I came to America and met Superman and other male heroes, I realised that they respect me highly as one of their colleagues, as much I respect them as well. I have also met other women who I would gladly deem Amazons, even if they did not grow up with me. Gail Simone has written me so rightly, and it seems that with her writing comes great artists (I do wish I could invite Gail Simone onto Paradise Island if her ever-so-busy schedule would allow her). While I do enjoy how I am being portrayed in my own series, both in regards to writing and artistically, I don’t understand why I am being horribly portrayed artistically recently in the JLA?

Best regards,
Wonder Woman

Dear Wonder Woman,
I too am very disa- wait a minute… you’re Wonder Woman… WONDER WOMAN! WONDER. F***CKING. WOMAN. EVERYBODY STOP WHAT THEY’RE DOING. WONDER WOMAN WROTE A LETTER TO ME.

Okay, forgive me there. After ten minutes of running on the spot like Jennifer Beals in Flashdance, I too am very disappointed by how you’ve been artistically portrayed as of late. I mean, you have boobs that’s the same size of your head! And I just want to know how the heck you end up like that when you’re knocked out? It looks like you’re taking a sexy nap. I also see that you decided to put on a large amount of lipstick on your lips; I guess you knew Red Tornado was going to knock you out, so you decided that you should look good for it? Nah, I know you’re not concerned about your looks, but why does the artist think you are? I mean, it’s bad enough you were crying for Steve Trevor in every second panel in the 70s, but now some artist thinks that for you to be sexy, you have to wear make up. Oy vey.

PS. I was wondering, you Amazons have some pretty crazy technology, so I was wondering if you could ask your sisters to clone Gail Simone? That would awesome, and if you could, thanks in advance.

P.P.S. Since I have yours and Superman’s signatures on these letters, is it alright if I sell them on eBay?

So, those are the letters for me this month. Oh, Misfit, I was wondering if you could get an autograph from Oracle for me? Make it out to “WendySkeleton”, and Misfit, you have to teach me how to teleport like that.

sdklashdjabhfask ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY

What pisses me off are people going, “I have no problems with gays, BUT…” and then they list a whole set of problems. And that kind of thing takes other forms too, like, “I have no problems with gays having the same rights as heterosexuals, as long as they stay away from me.” Or, “I’m not homophobic but then I don’t like [enter a subculture of gay here].” I can’t believe people expect to have some kind of double standard, or expect to have it their way just because they don’t think it’s right or whatever. OMG SO STUPID!

The horrors of childhood memories

I was reading this post on childhood memories and toys that she owned when she was young. Yes, I’m still pretty ripe considering my age, but people are required to be so mature so quickly these days, so when I read that post, I was reminded of something that happened when I was about five or six.

So I was at preschool, and was playing with Barbie cars. I was never interested in the Barbies because they were just so fucking lame. Like, they just were. It’s really hard to explain why, but as a kid, I never liked them. I really despised them. I would see girls combing their hairstyles and I would just look at them, and imagine burning the Barbie’s hair. So anyway, this boy comes up to me and he says, “Your Barbie car is ugly!” I got really offended, obviously, so I was like, “Yeah, your shorts are ugly!” Only because I couldn’t think up a comeback. I mean, he wasn’t even wearing shorts. So then he proposed that my Barbie car, and his Lego car were to drive into each other and see which car would come out unscathed. I knew he was in it for this time, and I knew the victory was going to be sweet.

Being the typical boy he was, he was a real bully. He used to punch my arms and he would make me cry. Yeah, I was a real wuss back then. So anyway, we stood opposite of each other, and so we pushed our cars forward to see who would be victorious. Being the uncoordinated kids we were, the cars went the opposite way, my car going left, while his car going right. So we did it again, and this time we stood closer to each other so that our cars wouldn’t swerve into some playhouse or something.

So we did it again and BAM! My car totally blew up his stupid Lego car. VICTORY WAS MINE! At least back then it was. I was like, “Ha ha! Your car is stupid! And your face is ugly!” I felt so invincible, and after that, he would never punch me because he knew all I had to do was remind him when he got beaten by a girl with a Barbie car.

TAKE THAT, FOOL!

On a side note, congee and orange juice tastes like really bad wine.

Spam, penis sizes and green hair pills

Aside from having trouble picking a theme for my blog, I seriously need to update it. So, I get sent a lot of emails where people are asking me about increasing penis sizes. Once I got this email about pills. I’m not really sure what pills, but it was just pills. Something about turning your hair green. Sometimes I think these emails are sent because people are insecure about their medical conditions in real life, and hope to send these emails to in order to make themselves feel better about themselves.

I don’t fall for these things. I have a clearer mind than that! So that is why I hope to solve these people’s problems. Here a couple questions that I get sent over. This first question comes from milan Knutson. He titled his question – and a question that doesn’t contain a question mark – “Take her far from behind.” This is the problem:

“Dig deeper into his ass with your wonderful new gigantic tool.”

I’m sorry to hear that your tool is not as long as his ass goes, milan. To alleviate the problem, grab some margarine and rub it all over your tool. Make sure you scratch with your nails, so the margarine goes deep into the sections where it would not usually get in to. Keep doing this, three times a day for a whole week, and then your tool should be stretched to the point where you can really hammer his ass down. Hope you have fun with hammering down those nails!

Second question comes from Angela, with her question titled “Job Request”. This is her problem:

“My name is Angela, and let me tell you, I used to work really hard. Really hard… like millions of other Americans… while hardly getting by, living pay check to pay check.

I got divorced at a very young age I was left with having to find a new place to live with my very young daughter. I moved to Southern California for a new start on life which I found out very quickly was not easy. I had to work two jobs and freelance work on the side just to pay rent and small amounts of bills that piled up.

No matter how much or hard I worked my bank balance was always at zero at the end of each month, and my credit cards accumulating debt. I hated my jobs, my bosses, my debt and most of all I hated not being able to give the daughter the life I wanted her to have.”

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had such a horrible life. But to have married at such a young age, have a child, be stupid enough to get a credit card when you obviously cannot afford one… plus the fact that you always end up having zero in your bank account is very sad too. However, I suggest that you realise that you are under slave labour. Yes, it’s the shock-horror of reality, but it is reality never the less. I recommend using margarine. It can be used as a drug that will give you a better perspective on life, and will alleviate the pain in which you have suffered so much of. Luckily for you, margarine is a very common commodity in slave labour camps. You can find a lot in the mess halls, and if you’re sneaky and lucky enough, you can steal a lot from the store rooms. I hope you are off to a better life.

And that was Dr. WendySkeleton, a doctor who has a Ph.D in Margarine, and the Effects of Margarine… and Theory.