When we last left our intrepid hero, Lady Gaga, arrived fresh off the prison boat and thrust into the world of Morrowind thanks to some shady pulling-of-strings by the emperor who rules the land. Taking his time in the settlement, Seyda Neen, he finds the death of a taxman… and is hired to investigate!
Being thrust into the free world is a little weird and makes me wonder what kind of law and order system they’re running in Morrowind. You know, the kind of system where certain criminals are let free for no apparent reason, really. So here I am, in this little settlement called Seyda Neen and everyone here’s not friendly at all. Well, I was a convicted criminal so I guess that doesn’t help my case. Walking around the place, people also seem to be a little paranoid. Walk up behind someone and they think I want to have a conversation with them. Not that their comments help either. They’re along the lines of:
- “My time is precious, so make it quick.”
- “Anytime now.” (Mind you, that’s spoken in a condescending tone.)
- “Speak quickly outlander, or go away.”
And my personal favourite: “You like to dance close to the fire, don’t you?” Well, actually , I could really walk onto the fire and not get burnt, amazingly. Such are the amazing wonders of Morrowind. Who knew? I’ve spent so much little time here, yet I know more than the common folk do. Am I a god or what?
Not to mention, some of them like to mumble and grumble… maybe they’re the ones who haven’t had their daily dose of moon sugar yet. But hey, everybody loves moon sugar in Morrowind!
The little village here is a little strange as well. Many of the commoners like to spend their time inside their huts, and there are four too many guards here. For reals, there are about four heavily armed guards in this little village. Maybe this is a result of their fucked up law and order in Morrowind? I was starting to worry – perhaps the other folk of Morrowind are like this too? Good people who seem a little out of their minds thanks to their apparent lobotomies.
The village of Seyda Neen. Lobotomised much?
As much as they dislike outlanders like me, I ask them what the local happenings are in this village. Apparently, a tax collector has been missing for quite some time now. A tax collector missing? Hmm, my Spidey-senses were tingling. I believe this is a case for… LADY GAGA!
A disliked tax collector? Hey, tell me something I don't know.
My hunch being that the tax collector made his way into town when doing his deed, he had to be around the village here. After much searching [oh, who am I kidding, I looked it up on the internet as to where his body was] using my superior detective skills because apparently, all four guards are too busy looking tough.
Won't somebody think of the children?!
So I find the dead tax collector. Dead? Yes. A case of murder? Quite possibly. After stripping him of his dignity AND his clothes, I make my way back to the guy who had the weird name. Remember him? I also consult to townsfolk of the village and I’m told he had a girlfriend who lived in the lighthouse. As usual, she’s devastated by his death and asks me to return his ring to her, for something for her to remember him by.
A ring, you say? Hmm...
And here I am stuck with a moral dilemma. I’ll no doubt get the reward if I find the murderer, but what about the ring? It was the ring of a tax collector after all, so there would be a nice re-sale value… but then again, her girlfriend is emotionally suffering from the death of her boyfriend… Being the nice guy that I am, I give her the ring. Or am I really the nice guy? If anything, I should’ve sold the ring and forced her to move on find someone new to have a relationship with. Hey, I’ve got some friends in the cell who dig chicks with blue skin! So I guess in the end, I end up being the bastard and give her the ring. You know, you’ll never live your life unless you throw that ring into the sea! In return she gives me health potions. At this point, I feel like murdering her as well, just so she can join her boyfriend in Morrowind heaven, because I’m finding this reward absolutely shit. Thanks for that. No, really, thanks for that. Maybe you need a lobotomy on your lobotomy. Frickin’ frack.
You're not that grateful, you know that...?
So now it time to turn myself efforts to the murderer. Who could possibly be the murderer? I look into the scroll entitled “Tax Records” and find that someone by the name of Foryn Gilnith has the highest unpaid amount in taxes. I so righteously burst into his little shack like I own the place – well I do goddammit! – and ask him about the murder. He admits to it. What a fool! Still angry from the last reward regarding the two health potions, he now seems like the perfect target to let out my rage. He gives me the option of hiding his dirty little secret. Or I can kill him and grab my reward for his bounty. I choose the latter.
If you had only paid your taxes, fool!
With my anger now gone, I get a sick feeling. Maybe I shouldn’t have killed this guy just for a bounty-reward. But then again, now that he’s dead, I can claim this shack as my home and look, it’s even got a hammock. Woohoo!
A dead man in my own newly-owned shack. Ugh, here’s that sick feeling again. I can tell this is going to be a grand adventure.
